I QUIT

I QUIT! I did it, I really did it. And there’s that sinking feeling comes into my gut and I’m frightened. What have I done? I don’t have benefits, I don’t have an income, I don’t have anything. I am desperate for the comfort blanket of money. Of green and gushy money, it gives me that sense of security, that false sense of security.

Never mind that I don’t save. Never mind that I don’t worry about it when I have it, when I’m working at a job I hate for that paycheck. I need it. I can’t live without it. I’m living in one of the most expensive cities in the world and I just quit my job. On purpose. I quit my job without having the safety of another one to fall back on. I can’t stand this office. I can’t stand any office. I can’t stand myself in an office. What have I done? Have I made a mistake? Am I going to regret this when my two weeks are up and I don’t have anything to do but look for another job?

I don’t want to be placed in yet another cube, another box of destruction and isolation. I want contact, real human contact. I want to be valued and appreciated and respected. I need to be respected. I am not respected. I don’t even respect myself. I wake up, I shower; sometimes. I brush my teeth, I eat breakfast, and I can’t look at myself. I don’t recognize myself. I am not myself and I know it’s time for a change. But will this world let me change? Will I let myself change? Do I even know how?

I QUIT! And I’m nervous. I’m nervous no other job will want me. That all I’m cut out is for mind numbing, mundane, boring office work. Don’t push me back in that box teacher! I need to get out, I need to be free. Free from racism, bigotry and pride. I need to be away from salesmen and businessmen and faking moneymakers. I need to be away from the me I become when I’m around this loss. This loss of heart, loss of mind, loss of kindness and loss of time. These people who pretend they are happy because of all the things they own but they can’t look in the mirror either. They can’t see what they’ve become because they wouldn’t know what to do with themselves.

I see the beginning of who I could become. I trust that I am making the wrong decision even though my body and my mind tell me otherwise. I believe that I am going to work through it, that this is the only step I was ever made to take on this Monday, October Twenty-Nine.

I QUIT! And I’m free.